What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
