Ambien. No doubt about it.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
