Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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