Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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