I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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