Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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