how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
