i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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