i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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