smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
