There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
