I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
