You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
