I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
