i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
