someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
