I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
