my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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