Porn is love you can see.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
