they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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