Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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