walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Life is so much better after having sex.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
