no, he came in my armpit
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
