i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I yelled at your uterus for you.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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