there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
