Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Floor bacon is actually really good
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
