1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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