My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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