i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
