Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
