I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize