you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
