I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
