Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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