i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
