i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
