part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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