But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
