I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
