If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
