I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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