So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
