my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
