i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
