If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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