you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Randomize