Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
mondays should just be called national damage control day
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
