Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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