Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
