I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
