I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
