I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
