so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
