I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
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