she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
