I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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