Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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