I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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