when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
