are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
