I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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