the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
