just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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