she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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